Are you feeding the BEAST in your relationship the right diet?
After coaching many couples over the previous years and helping them to take their relationships to completely new levels, I am occasionally asked what problems I see most often. There are several patterns that typically arise but by far, the one that presents itself the most has been the loss of desire in a relationship but there is still love. Often, I hear these types of phrases:
“We seem to lack (or lost) passion in our relationship”
“We’re not as intimate anymore”
“We don’t do much together anymore”
“He/she doesn’t pay attention to me like they once did”
“He/she doesn’t look at me or talk to me like they once did”
“His/her answers are pretty short most of the time”
Or this one… “He/she doesn’t seem very happy to see me when they come home” and many, many more… but you get the point.
And somewhere in that conversation however, I also hear “I still love him/her”.
If there are two things that are absolutely required in an intimate relationship to feel whole and complete they are an abundance of love and an abundance of desire. Now.. there are certainly different skills that are required to create these feelings in your partner and with your partner but ultimately the quality of the relationship is going to come down to the balance of these two feelings so let’s examine the components and the relationship between them for a second..
What are they?
The feelings of love and desire are completely distinct and different animals. Love is a little bunny and desire is a BEAST!! They require entirely different diets to remain healthy. Here’s what I mean.. The little bunny “Love” needs to be cared for gently, petted gently… It needs a healthy diet of absolute trust, intimacy and certainty to be healthy. Have you ever noticed that bunnies don’t like to be scared?? Love needs the removal of all things that are questionable in a relationship creating a place of safety and care for your partner. Ultimately, love is really about taking care of someone else or being taken care of.
Desire is a BEAST; an animal that lives on the edge and loves excitement! It needs a very different diet with hardy, excitable foods like curiosity, mystery, novelty and variety and surprise to be healthy. It needs all things that are excitingly unknown and enticing creating a place of passion and excitement. You are not going to go up to a BEAST and pet it like a little bunny or play with it like a little bunny! So we need to see and feed them differently.
How do Love and Desire work?
The relationship they naturally have toward each other is NOT one of harmony. What love naturally attempts to do is shut down the very thing that we have to learn to reopen in our relationships to be balanced, whole and complete. Love wants no surprises and absolute certainty so it works against desire in effort to be comfortable and safe. As soon as one partner feels like they have to take care of the other, there will be loss of desire.
The influencer to desire?
The precedent to desire is attraction. Massive attraction happens when the polarity in the relationship is at its greatest separation. Polarity is the distance or separation between the amount of masculine and feminine energy in the relationship. Think about the time when you first noticed each other or the first time you got together… There was energy there! If a feminine energy becomes more masculine in the relationship or a masculine energy becomes more feminine in the relationship then attraction can be lost as the separation between them becomes narrower and of the same charge of energy. Think of it like this… two alike energies work like two magnets exuding the same charge – they repel each other! The farther the masculine and feminine are apart and the more opposite they are and the larger the attraction becomes. Attraction fuels curiosity and mystery = desire. Do you follow?
What do I do?
So, what can we do to help re-generate the spark of desire? Feed the damn BEAST!!!
Develop your state of curiosity with your partner again. Start asking yourself what you would really like to know about your partner and then…ask them! What attracts you to your partner and what you are attracted to about your partner? This invites mystery which begins to drive desire into the relationship which is essential to creating passion, and vibrancy. Become aware of, pay close attention to, and adjust your energies to get more polarity – PRACTICE!
Second, BE PLAYFUL with each other much, much, much more! Commit to and practice daily playfulness with each other. It not only helps you put fun and joy into the relationship but it will help turn back on the loss of passion by inviting mystery back to the relationship, take away the little irritations and reignite attraction. Then… keep doing it over and over and over. If you don’t get the reaction you want at first, try again. If again doesn’t work then just ask them in an enticing way “will you come play with me?”. Keep doing it until it becomes a habit!! If you are boring get unboring and learn to do this – religiously! You will open up so many creative ideas if you can put you and your partner in an environment that is fun and enticing.
Third – make time for the both of you! Then let things out and get a little unbound for a night – lose the curfew, break some rules you have, send the kids to grandma’s house and stay in bed all morning, have sex in the car on the way to dinner or just make love with your clothes on, read an erotic novel to each other several nights a week, kiss each other like you used too when you first met, find a new place to have sex or seek out a sex coach… The bottom line is there is a million things you could come up with – I’m sure google has a few more if these don’t suit you!
Bottom line is to feel desire, we have to make it a priority in our relationships and do it consistently from both partners to feel balanced, whole and complete. When desire is lost, the passion goes away and when passion away, intimacy erodes and when this happens, your relationship is now just a friendship. Your partner is too important, too special and too worthy not to practice this. Get to work!!
Extraordinary relationships are pursued, practiced and protected. They are pursued through curiosity and desire for the other; practiced in innovation, strategy and integration; and protected through commitment, courage and authenticity.
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